i dont want to love you

Relationship Reality: I need to unlove you


It’s very possible that someone can treat you badly, but you cannot find it in yourself to stop the relationship. That was me – a super long time ago. OH – but I have to tell you, those memories are still fresh in my mind.

I’m sure I’ll mention many times in this site about the first love of my life. He taught me so much about love, about growing up, and making choices. Looking back it was not the perfect or tragic story to turn into a screen play, but I share my experiences with my daughter and anyone who asks for my insight – because if it was not for him, I would not be where I am now.

The thing is – we always know in our gut when someone is not exactly right for us. We know when someone has hurt us, humiliated us, shamed us. We know in our heart if someone does not see us for who we really are, or if someone does not even care to know the deeper part of us that is pure, whole, and good.

But for some reason we stay.

We stay with someone because they are beautiful. They can be lacking so much beauty inside, but we choose them because others see them as beautiful.

We stay with someone because regardless of how bad we feel, we have love for them. We don’t even know why, because love shouldn’t make us feel sad.

We secretly hope that if we are so good to them, they will change. They will become better people.

This is relationship reality: hoping is not an action, it’s just hope. It doesn’t get us anywhere.

My personal experience really didn’t hit me until nearly seven years into it, pretty much the end of our relationship. The watered down version is that I ignored all the signs of this person being wrong for me. It’s not that he didn’t love me and that it was an abusive relationship. In fact, he was quite good to me. But there were others. He wasn’t loyal to me. I felt it from day one, but I couldn’t resist him.

I remember being in my young twenties and praying for the strength to stop loving him. I was so attracted to him, I actually wondered if I could be attracted to another person. I thought maybe that would be an answer.

But the bigger question was, “Why can’t I stop loving someone who isn’t good to me?”

Seriously, what was my problem?

I would be so upset, and reading some of my journals from that time of my life was a clear depiction of self inflicted anger. Why couldn’t I choose differently? Why couldn’t I just stop loving him? Why don’t his actions make me want to leave him?

It wasn’t until I saw him with someone else that my head spun around like a true madwoman.

But that was what I needed, relationship reality was clear.

It marked the beginning of my journey of unloving the first man (and only one) I ever freely gave my heart to.

I know my story doesn’t give any answers, but what I can tell you is this – we will know when it’s time to move on. If you are in a situation where I once was, just know that if you want a different circumstance, the time will come that you are able to change it. It may not happen simply. It rarely does anyway, I just want you to be aware.

We cannot make things happen that fast, but we can believe that it can.

Somehow just believing in ourselves enough – will set the pace to make it come true.

See, we want what is good for us, even when we feel we are at a loss of power or control.

We do want to be happy, fully.

We do want someone as good as we are.

Someone wants us the same way we want them.

So long as you know this, you will have it.

2 comments on “Relationship Reality: I need to unlove you

  1. My goodness! This speak to a lot of people’s heart. We have all, or most of us have live what you write about. Some have even marry the wrong one. The strength to walk away is hard may even seem impossible while we live it but it’s possible. I love this post. Very real and raw.

  2. i remember it feeling impossible, so to go through the experience and share the other side is so enlightening. thank you, shian, always!