love and relationships

in it, dreaming about it, wanting it, being in it, resisting it, hating it.
all about love. all about relationships.
the toughest thing in life.

Why Do We Manipulate in our Relationships?

Why do we manipulate in our relationships?

Being on a spiritual journey does not eliminate us from normal relationship behavior – we don’t always act our best.

So truth be told by a clear distinction that might help us understand why we manipulate in the relationships closest to us…

We already know we often return to old patterns we know are hard to break. Even when we take years to work on keeping them in check, they still creep up on us.

My mom was always so bothered when I asked for things as a child. She didn’t like it when I was curious about things, and I mean ANYTHING. I asked a lot of questions. Over time I stopped asking and I made it mean that I was somehow unworthy of asking for what I wanted.

As an adult you can imagine that I was just so happy to be with someone who loved me in return that I made it fit my life despite my inner knowing telling me otherwise.

I had a hard time asking for what I wanted, and telling the truth from my heart. I knew the chance he would leave me; and at the time I wanted him even though he wasn’t good for me.

So I learned to become a good manipulator.  It wasn’t the answer to my problems,  and how would I know it would turn into one of several patterns I am still working on? Why do we manipulate in our relationships?

The truth is that we manipulate when we are afraid to tell the truth.

We manipulate when we are afraid to ask for what we want.

My deepest rooted pattern coincidentally covered both. Imagine that.

See, I know that we have all been here. We manipulate in our relationships because we don’t know how to shift.

But we work on shifting the behaviors that don’t serve us. And we ARE on a journey. Being on the journey brings us forward to our self truth. We can actually choose how we are going to respond.

There was a time when I wondered when I would be able to tell someone exactly what I needed, and be okay with revealing how much they meant to me.

The simple answer is yes, of course. And I am not going to say that it has been squashed completely because we don’t completely rid of our fears or insecurities, especially in relationships.

Defining our Joylevel is really knowing we choose the state of being we are in. At the same time it is accepting that our patterns may threaten a fierce return depending on the situation, but we are better equipped to handle it with grace.

The biggest hurdle to overcome is speaking the truth from our heart. It makes us vulnerable, but it is the path to transparent love. It is the way to knowing our true Selves. What a wonderful place to be.


Maybe You Have Never Had Love

True love has been on my heart this whole month. After a deep conversation with a friend of mine, I looked in the mirror and the question, “Maybe you have never had love?” popped into my head. Great, I laugh anyway, knowing my ego is pecking at me.

True love: really. What does that cover? I wanted to take a deeper look because one, the question came up when I looked in the rear view mirror as I caught my reflection. And two, another friend of mine sat with me just yesterday and told me how intimacy is downright scary for her.

Wow. Love came up so much for me this month, even without researching what I wanted to highlight in my articles. For me, relationships trend like fashion. If it’s not my style, I don’t pay much attention to it.

Yet: I happen to be in a relationship, and in my last article,Are you in a mechanical relationship?”, I got real about how marriage and long term relationships mean nothing if there isn’t any relating going on. I had to look at my own lack and resentment during my now, ten year relationship.

Things ARE disconnected, and we choose to cope with our situation in whatever way we can keep it together. But here’s the deal: couples are not feeling togetherness.

So what is it about the idea of true love that made me question if I even had it? Have I even had an experience of true love? I think so: that is my honest answer.

When I meditated about the definition and value of love in my life, I came to the memory of knowing love for the first time. I was young, just eighteen.

My willing and open heart gave way to someone who met me where and when I wanted to be needed.

True love to me now is a knowing that I believe I have always known, maybe not in this lifetime but I do know it. For some reason I hold a memory and experience of complete surrender to another. I believe and know that trust is the glue of commitment, and that intimacy without physical touch or sex is the deepest and most pleasurable connection.

Love on a Soul level is not experienced by many of us simply because many of us are not in touch with our Soul. However, sometimes we just know what we know, and in the knowing opens the pathway to actualizing the experience we have had before. Only it is happening now, in a very familiar way and we recognize the feeling.

So - LOVE may be here for you now and you will decide if you will allow its truth to persevere.

Or – LOVE MAY NOT and you know - in the most sincere part of you – what you truly want for yourself, and if you believe it is yours to have.

You choose. You always choose.


Are You in a Mechanical Relationship?

Are you coupled? Are you in a mechanical relationship?

At first thought, what does that even mean to you?

Well, I can tell you. In every relationship I have had (intimate that is), I have found myself at some point being in the mechanical phase of total non-relating. Yet it happens. I think of this stage having passed the nervousness and giddiness of new relationship, arriving at the point when you actually take yourself off the market.

I think most people desire relationship, one that is ideal based, having taken time to consider personal preferences.

The rub in being in relationship is when we get to the point that we call it work, which never sounds like fun or joy.

The distinction of true relationship and a mechanical one is this: what is the authentic why that keeps you in it?

Before a relationship becomes a relationship, can you say you are aware of all that you are bringing in and leaving out? When you think of what kind of person fits your ideal partner, do you also assess that you are the ideal for yourself? 

I say this because I have been in relationship struggle my whole life. I am not saying I am in a bad one, but I think it falls into a mechanical one for sure, at least for now. And instead of going off the deep-end and worrying about what this looks like or means to my clients that I coach on a relationship level, I am really brought to my knees on getting to the truth of my own lack.

The mechanical relationship serves little in our wellbeing.

In fact, if we come up with security, financial comfort, or contentment as our whys, we may feel we are cheating ourselves. It’s a reality check if you care at all about experiencing true love and real connectedness.

But here is the life-cycle truth of relationships: when we meet people who become our partner, we never have the intent that we will turn mechanical. He or she does not consciously change on us to make us resentful. We don’t know when we are being neglectful either. We simply return to patterns of being that we ourselves didn’t choose. We learned them from our family, and we experienced them in our past lifetimes.

It is not the way of relationships to turn boring. It is more that we turn on consciousness by choice. We choose better, or we choose to BE better.

We reflect in truth and make the conscious decision to know our lack, move past it, and recognize that the person in front of us chooses to change also, or not.

This part IS work. But is it worth it? In truth, only you will KNOW.

For those still seeking or allowing love to arrive in authenticity, be true love first, say yes when you are ready, say yes to the one who will serve your truth. That’s LOVE.

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